Archive for the Just thinking Category

Another Loss

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , , on August 4, 2016 by shebatt

One year and four days after my friend Marcus passed away my ex husband who I had stayed good friends with through the years, had a heart attack and died. It was unexpected and another blow to my soul.

Grief is a strange thing. It comes in waves and sometimes just leaves you numb.Like the song Lament from Ultravox says, The twist in my life starts healing, just to twist again.

I believe the sadness never truly leaves you, you just become stronger around it.

Time to focus on something new and different. Time to focus on next years trip or something positive, that is what helps me get through times like this…

The song link below is something I have not been able to listen to since Marcus died last year but in time maybe in time.

 

My Life, My Year

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , on July 14, 2016 by shebatt
I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of one of my oldest and dearest friends. He and I had been friends for 33 years. It was pointed out to me by another long, long time friend, I knew him longer then I knew my own mother who died when I was only 21. It has not been an easy year and to make matters worst my brother and I have not spoken in the last year either. He hurt my feelings really badly last year and has still not offered an apology and well I have pretty much given up on getting one.

With all of that in mind I still go on and live my life. As you may (or not) know I went to Italy last year in spring and then to Scotland this spring. Traveling is one of the only things that brings me peace. Being someplace new and seeing a part of this world I have not seen yet, feeds my sad soul. It is not that I forget my sorrows it just reminds me there is so much more to life then my personal sorrows. It helps me remember how small my life is compared to the rest of the world. It also reminds me how alone I am on this planet. Not lonely but just alone.

Next year I might not have S to travel with me since her husband is making noise about a family trip, so I am trying to figure out where to go next, possibly alone. Since Jr. high school Peru has called to me and I am considering answering that call. Peru and Bolivia is what I am thinking of, all in one trip. Machu Picchu, Nazca, Lake Titicaca, and Salar de Uyuni (the Bolivian Salt Flats).

Funny but other places calling me are England, France and Turkey. Sure England would be easiest since I speak the language but who know where I will end up next year. I will keep you posted.

I can say this though I hope the coming year is not as sad as the one I just lived.

Living Your Life

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , on April 25, 2016 by shebatt

In three days I leave for my trip to Scotland. Needless to say I am as excited as I am stressed. Of course my car is acting up right before I leave, I don’t have everything packed and work is crazy right now.

Why am I taking the time to write a blog… well I want to be clear about a few things.

First off, let me say I know I am lucky to have the chance to travel but it is not just luck. I have worked long hours and given up a lot of things to make this happen. I do not have cable for my TV and I don’t have internet at home. What do I do for down time you ask, I read.

It is hard to go through life without the media most people have in their lives but at the same time it is very liberating. I have also not gone out and spent money on things like new clothing, shoes, meals out, and so on. It takes discipline in this economic state. Also remember you don’t own your things they own you. With that in mind I never buy things I want, I only buy things I need.

(But) The thing I want to say most in this post, is you don’t need to go across the world to find adventures. You just have to go outside your own front door. Turn off your television and go outside. If you don’t have a camera but a camera phone then try taking some photos. If you don’t even have that that is okay. You don’t need a camera to make memories, just your own mind.

Walk around your own city, learn the history of it, eat at the local food stands. Pretend like you are visiting your own city like you never have seen it before. If you have to, pretend you are doing an episode of your own travel show and explore. Your home town’s history might not be as exciting as San Francisco’s gold rush or as ancient as Athens but it might surprise you.

Enjoy…

 

 

 

We are a moment

Posted in Batt Rantts, Just thinking with tags , , on March 28, 2016 by shebatt

Centuries ago primitive man carved stones, struck coins, fashioned pots, forged swords, and created civilization.

It is my belief those of us who collect antiquity do not hold ownership of such things. These things have lived for centuries before us and will possibly live for centuries after we are gone. We come and go, live and die, and passed through our lives as just moments in comparison to these ancient tems. These objects from antiquity really honestly own us. We are just their servants, their caregivers, their pets watching over them as they exist through time. Just like the land we are but a brief moments compared to somewhat eternal life.

Imagination

Posted in Just thinking with tags , on December 30, 2015 by shebatt

This was written in 2015 at some point but I never finished it. Someday maybe…=

As children we have the ability to dream give us a cardboard box or just a little cubbyhole somewhere in the couch cushions and we lay back and imagine palaces, grand homes or magical places that don’t exist in the real world.

As we grow older our time to dream goes away, our ability to lose ourselves in our imaginations disappears. We start in those happier places as children but when can we point to where we grow old? When do we forget that we dreamed?

I am 50 years old now and I try so hard to think back to those magical time when I was able to let my mind go to places that never existed. I still try to find that place in my heart where only magic exists.

 

 

My Mother’s Voice

Posted in Just thinking on December 4, 2015 by shebatt

When I was a little girl my favorite time of year was Christmas. I am sure this is true with a lot of kids. Now as an adult one of my favorite memories is of my mother at Christmas time.

It is not because she would bake endless batches of Christmas cookies, because in truth she did not. She couldn’t bake a boxed cake with out something going wrong. It was not because of the big Christmas dinner she would make and even if she could not bake she could cook like no one else. She was a great cook. Mom did her best at making Christmas a wonderful thing for all of us, in generic American way. We had no special traditions taught to us from Grandparents from the “Old Country” or anything special like that. Just a standard Red and Green store bought Christmas in our house.

What I remember about my mother is more personal and more comical than that and one of the most cherished things in my memory. Mom’s favorite singer was Frank Sinatra and so, of course, we had his Christmas album. Every year we got that tired old scratch piece of vinyl out and played it along with only a small handful of others she owned. When the song “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” would come on, she would sing along with the background singers.

Well for those of you who never had the chance to know my mom she was more vivacious then all of her kids put together, kind as a person could be and had a zany side that is only reviled by my sister Renee (who I will write about sometime soon). But here is the funny part, Mom could Not sing. She was as tone deaf as a brick and when she would start singing along with the LP she would hit every note but the ones they were singing. I remember hearing her do that for the first time as a very young child. I must have turned every shade of red out of embarrassment for her and I know she saw it in my eyes and on my face. She looked at me and smiled with her own cheeks turning a little pink from being caught singing out of key. She said something about her not being able to sing but enjoying doing it. I was too young to clearly remember what she said, I must have been only about 3 or 4 years old. This early exchange between us did not stop her from doing it year after year still out of key and still straight from her heart.

Now, what feels like at least 5 life times later, whenever I hear that song I am taken back to that moment. The one moment in time when my mother and I shared a smile and a Christmas song. I know for a fact it was not my mother’s favorite but it is one of mine, because of her. Now as a grown woman, whenever I hear that song at Christmas time, I hear my mother’s voice singing along. It is as if a little wormhole in time and space opens up and her voice comes ringing though it. It makes me miss her. It makes me wish I could go back in time and sing with her. It makes me yearn to hear her voice once again, whether its singing out of key, yelling for me to get the phone, or talking to us at the dinner table.

For those of you who have lost your mother at some point in your life I am sure you can understand that there is no sound more beautiful than you own mother’s voice.

My dream 3/19/15

Posted in Just thinking with tags on March 20, 2015 by shebatt

I had the most amazing dream last night. This last week I have been having very vivid dreams and last night’s was no exception. The difference was last nights dream was so magical I don’t think I will ever forget it.

I was at the Regency center in SF attending a ball I go to every year. Of course like all dreams the place did not really look like how it does in real life. As a matter of fact, I had dreamed about it a few months ago and in last nights dream it looked more like that. I was in a room outside of the main ball room helping people set up. Before I realized it the ball had started and people started preforming. There was a woman in this side room playing a grand piano and singing. There were others playing with her but I can’t quite place the instruments they were playing, I think one was a flute and the other was a small harp or something like that. She was playing something that was across between You make me feel so Young and Dancing Cheek to Cheek. When I woke up I could not pin point which song either. I got up and started dancing. I was alone on the dance floor but I did not care. There were a bunch of girls around me sitting on some steps watching me and commenting on how I looked as if I was having so much fun just dancing. I remember running up to the girls on the steps and doing a flip right over their heads and landing on one of the steps sitting perfectly, I was trying to get them to dance too.

The feeling of dancing was euphoric. I remember the lights were really low in the room almost blacked out completely with just small spots of white incandescent lighting causing an almost yellow hue to the beams thrown to the floor. I kept dancing alone and it was the most wonderful feeling. A friend of mine came up and started to dance with me. I just let go and let him lead and before I knew it he had me flip over his back in one swift move that felt like flying.

The woman at the piano stopped playing and said the main band was starting to play. Since the friend I was dancing with was part of the band I went to go see him and the rest of them play but he was not on stage playing with the rest of them. In my head I remembered he was not playing this year but just there as a participant. I turned around and started heading back to the room where he and I were dancing. The people all around me were dancing. It was dark and strange and everyone was in costumes not to far from what people wear at the real ball every year.  The band was playing an almost waltz version of the song The Shadow of Your Smile.

Along the way back to the room a man started dancing with me and I over heard a woman saying “Oh he is very wealthy and single and now he has fond someone to dance with” meaning me. I broke away from him in hopes to go find my friend again. I walked into the room where he was before and found him off to the side looking in an old foggy mirror putting on silver lipstick. I remember he was wearing an outfit which looked a lot like a dress my sister has that was my mother’s. The pants were black and white stripe satin with a flair at the bottom that was almost a ruffle the top was a velvet jacket, with a white satin tux shirt underneath.  Turning around he saw me watching him. He took me into his arms and started dancing with me again and then he leaned in and kissed me getting silver lipstick on my lips. I buried my head into his chest and then realized I got silver lipstick on his shirt so while dancing I tried to wipe it off. We danced and danced until the dream started to fade and I woke up with the happiest feeling.

Something about dancing in my dreams always leaves me with the feeling I was flying and leaves me so happy when I wake up.