Archive for Dream

Tired

Posted in 1, Batt Rantts with tags , , on September 15, 2016 by shebatt

Grief has made me apathetic to my own existence.
With faults enthusiasm I get get up everyday and live my life,
not caring if I fool anyone with the smile I wear.
I know I am not fooling myself.
.
I am tired of loosing people, I am tired of all the loss my soul has suffered.
Years and time just chip away at me in the form of fatality.
Whether death or distance the people in my life just seam to slip away
and I find myself alone and wondering if I want to bother inviting in someone new.
.
Sometimes the wounds are just too deep and so the desire eludes me.
If I don’t have anyone there, then there is no one to lose.
The balance between lonely and alone teeters on a point
to fragile to depend on, to sharp to avoid.
.
I converse with my plants, make friends in my book,
eat dinner alone, and chat via a black and white device
which often misunderstands my voice sending cryptic messages into the either.
.
I look to the sea for diversity and healing, knowing there is only the tide to rely on
I just need to pull away and hide to mend.
Alone in my cave I desire the reassurance that life is not so bad.
Thinking time alone will heal me.
.
To tired to ask for help instead I just ride it out in this exile from life.
Besides who could I ask, that one person really does not exist in my world.
The person who can hug me and make me feel like it is worth it all.
The one who can make me believe that for now it will be alright.
.
I need a dark angel a mother, a lover, a friend, who strength matches mine in every way;
one who like me has walked to the gates of hell and come back again;
one who knows I will be strong again for them someday but
resist leaning on me as much as I hate leaning on them.
.
I think I need sleep…..

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My dream 3/19/15

Posted in Just thinking with tags on March 20, 2015 by shebatt

I had the most amazing dream last night. This last week I have been having very vivid dreams and last night’s was no exception. The difference was last nights dream was so magical I don’t think I will ever forget it.

I was at the Regency center in SF attending a ball I go to every year. Of course like all dreams the place did not really look like how it does in real life. As a matter of fact, I had dreamed about it a few months ago and in last nights dream it looked more like that. I was in a room outside of the main ball room helping people set up. Before I realized it the ball had started and people started preforming. There was a woman in this side room playing a grand piano and singing. There were others playing with her but I can’t quite place the instruments they were playing, I think one was a flute and the other was a small harp or something like that. She was playing something that was across between You make me feel so Young and Dancing Cheek to Cheek. When I woke up I could not pin point which song either. I got up and started dancing. I was alone on the dance floor but I did not care. There were a bunch of girls around me sitting on some steps watching me and commenting on how I looked as if I was having so much fun just dancing. I remember running up to the girls on the steps and doing a flip right over their heads and landing on one of the steps sitting perfectly, I was trying to get them to dance too.

The feeling of dancing was euphoric. I remember the lights were really low in the room almost blacked out completely with just small spots of white incandescent lighting causing an almost yellow hue to the beams thrown to the floor. I kept dancing alone and it was the most wonderful feeling. A friend of mine came up and started to dance with me. I just let go and let him lead and before I knew it he had me flip over his back in one swift move that felt like flying.

The woman at the piano stopped playing and said the main band was starting to play. Since the friend I was dancing with was part of the band I went to go see him and the rest of them play but he was not on stage playing with the rest of them. In my head I remembered he was not playing this year but just there as a participant. I turned around and started heading back to the room where he and I were dancing. The people all around me were dancing. It was dark and strange and everyone was in costumes not to far from what people wear at the real ball every year.  The band was playing an almost waltz version of the song The Shadow of Your Smile.

Along the way back to the room a man started dancing with me and I over heard a woman saying “Oh he is very wealthy and single and now he has fond someone to dance with” meaning me. I broke away from him in hopes to go find my friend again. I walked into the room where he was before and found him off to the side looking in an old foggy mirror putting on silver lipstick. I remember he was wearing an outfit which looked a lot like a dress my sister has that was my mother’s. The pants were black and white stripe satin with a flair at the bottom that was almost a ruffle the top was a velvet jacket, with a white satin tux shirt underneath.  Turning around he saw me watching him. He took me into his arms and started dancing with me again and then he leaned in and kissed me getting silver lipstick on my lips. I buried my head into his chest and then realized I got silver lipstick on his shirt so while dancing I tried to wipe it off. We danced and danced until the dream started to fade and I woke up with the happiest feeling.

Something about dancing in my dreams always leaves me with the feeling I was flying and leaves me so happy when I wake up.

Something odd in the air

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags on July 8, 2014 by shebatt

There is something odd going on.
My dreams are very vivid this week and very surreal.
They have been kind of dark and unhappy too.

I am not sure if is what I am thinking and my mind is trying to sort it out or if it is something in the air that is leaving me with a strange feeling before I go to bed.

Waste of mind

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags , , on May 28, 2014 by shebatt

Why does my mind dwell on the unworthy by dreaming of those I wish to forget?

Unresolved? possibly. Worthy? Not any more and some not at all.

Strange and Vivd dream 4/15/14

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags on April 15, 2014 by shebatt

Up at 4:16am after having the most vivid, detailed and strange dream.

 

It started at a church xmas bazaar and trying to talk them into having a xmas cocktail party, I was telling some woman that I could help them organize it.  She said she would think about it. I just know I really wanted to throw a party there.

Just that alone would have been odd enough but then I found myself inside the church with my face buried in red velvet theater chairs pretending to pray next to a married friend of mine who flirts with me once in a while. I remember I could feel the synthetic velvet on my face and I remember thinking I don’t really want to put my face on this seat since it must be filthy dirty after years of people sitting in it. My married friend and I were hiding from all of our friends who were sitting in the rows around us. He was flirting with me trying to make plans to meet up with me later.  I had a strange silver and turquoise ring on and I felt the stone pop out, hit me on the shoulder and fall onto the floor. I gave him the ring without the stone and told him it was meant for him but I was sorry the stone fell out. I started looking for the stone and my friend told me he had to go. I told him he could put whatever stone he wanted in it. Just after he left I found the missing stone on the floor. I remember the look of the carpet in the aisle next to my seat. I remember the sound of people leaving the church as I was looking for the stone.

I left the church and walked out into a large lobby of a concert hall. I ran into one of my ex boyfriends who stopped and started to kiss me. As we stood there arm in arm, the same ex boyfriend passed me with a friend of ours they were both carrying plates of chili fries. I broke away from the one ex who was holding me to go up to the other (same guy) and say hello to him. He stopped and talked to me for a few minutes. The two of them looked the same I knew it was the same person but he looked slightly different at the same time.

From there I went into the concert hall alone and started looking for a seat, some friends band had already started to play and that is who I was there to see. Most of the seats were restaurant booths that did not even face the stage so I started walking through the back of the venue looking for a table top for two since I was alone I did not want to take a bigger booth. There was an row where there was a bench seat along the back side of some of the booths. I sat down on the bench and right away people started to sit down around me and talk to me.

When I looked back up at the stage I realized there was a large simi- transparent fence in front of the band so I could not really see them. With the fence there no one could really see them. I watched as an acquaintance of mine, who I know works with the band once in a while was on stage singing with them. He saw me, smiled and directed his singing at me. That lasted a few moments and then he turned away and started singing to someone on the opposite side of the hall. I got frustrated about not being able to see and left.

Outside I found the car I had come in. It was an old truck of my fathers that I had borrowed years ago while living in the bay area. I got in and started to drive around SF. I called a friend from high school (who I still talk to all the time) and had him on speaker phone so I could drive but I have no idea where the phone was or how I called him since I don’t remember dialing the phone. I told him I needed to drive to city hall and talk to them about permits for the xmas party at the church.

I turned into a driveway and up to the front of a building. The sun was just starting to come up and I could see there were patches of rain falling in small areas around me though it was not raining on me while I was sitting in the driveway. Like with all dreams, city hall did not look like what the real city hall looks like. I realize they were not open yet since it was just dawn. I sat in the truck and talked to my friend on the phone. As the sun got higher in the sky and it started to get lighter I looked around and realized there was 100s of homeless men sleeping on the lawn and in wood shelve like cubicles built out of plywood at the end of the drive way. It scared me to realize I was surrounded by these men and they might wake up and start harassing me. I told my friend on the phone what was going on and that I had to get out of there. Because of the rain the dirt drive way had turned to mud and so I started to drive on the lawn where I had to weave around homeless men sleeping under black plastic and sleeping bags. The drive down was bumpy and kind of crazy trying to avoid hitting anyone.

I got out of the front lawn area of city hall and turned onto the street.  I think I woke up then.