Archive for greeving

Another Loss

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , , on August 4, 2016 by shebatt

One year and four days after my friend Marcus passed away my ex husband who I had stayed good friends with through the years, had a heart attack and died. It was unexpected and another blow to my soul.

Grief is a strange thing. It comes in waves and sometimes just leaves you numb.Like the song Lament from Ultravox says, The twist in my life starts healing, just to twist again.

I believe the sadness never truly leaves you, you just become stronger around it.

Time to focus on something new and different. Time to focus on next years trip or something positive, that is what helps me get through times like this…

The song link below is something I have not been able to listen to since Marcus died last year but in time maybe in time.

 

Staying Strong (Written 1/31/2001)

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags , , , , on April 4, 2016 by shebatt

I weep for the pains of the past
Where I had to stand strong and
there was no time for tears
I weep for the years

I sing the song of sorrow
For all the broken hearts
when love was unrequited
there was only to go on
I sing the saddest song

I mourn the loss of those
who were dear and when
the longing of the company
had not completely sunk in
I mourn for those who have been

I ache for the transgressions of man
for killing their brothers
in the name of borders, money, and God
watching nations fall
I ache for the woes of how we’ve evolved.

 

Emails to the Dead

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , on September 25, 2014 by shebatt

Years ago I had a boyfriend who passed away while we were dating. Months before he passed I had very bad premonitions about his future, I even told him that I did but he did not believe me. I spent the night with him before he died the next morning I did not want to leave and told him there was something wrong, something was going to happen. I remember we had been talking about something (but what I don’t remember now) and when I left he said we would talk about it more later. That night he died. It is a conversation in my life that will never be finished.

I remember thinking to myself if you can schedule and email to be sent out at a future date why can’t you send one to the past? At the time my email program at work had the ability to schedule a send time for a latter time. So if I could write an email to be sent in a week from now why can’t I send one that would go back to a year from now?

This all took place in Feb of 2001. Now years later I still think about that. I still think it would be cool to do.

Now go back even farther back. I had a soul mate when I was living in LA. He is the person I write about now and again here on my blog (May birthday and Missing you) who is also now gone. He and I had written emails back and forth before he passed away. I remember the last one he sent I misunderstood and now wish I could go back and rewrite him. It was not a bad misunderstanding it was just something he said and I mistook it. Again I do wish I could go back and rewrite my response.

I wonder if someday someone I love will be reading this old blog entry from Sept of 2014 and wish the same thing about me.

I guess the lesson here is don’t ever let something go on that needs to be taken care of. Don’t think you have forever to say you are sorry or that you love someone.

 

My mind is a mess right now

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags , on January 31, 2014 by shebatt
Every complement given, every kind word, every bit of advice is taken in like entropy feeding the monster that is the black hole of my logic, my reason and my broken ego. Regurgitated fragments of your kindness spit out in nonsense, insults, or the ever classic “that is exactly not what I wanted to say”

Stupid falls out of my mouth like a tidal wave drowning my spirit, making me believe I will never be able to tell you how I truly feel.
Confusion still lingers in me, left behind by damage I am trying to heal. I should just keep my mouth shut, I should keep away from you, I should give up hope, until I am someone else again, until she returns.  I morn the loss of my true self. The confident, the resilient, the person I want you to see.

Missing you

Posted in 1 with tags , , on January 14, 2010 by shebatt

Every now and again your ghost touches my heart.
And I find myself crying before I can choose not to.
My soul wants to break free to reach out and embrace you but my heart is afraid it will reach you, and I will miss you all the more when I have to let go.

I know you will haunt me forever and I would not have it any other way. Knowing a world without you is knowing a world without music or beauty or love, a place I would never survive.

But I trudge on, hoping I will see you beyond the grave hoping you are waiting there for me. Waiting to embrace me again as a love as a friend and as part of my soul.