Archive for lament

Tired

Posted in 1, Batt Rantts with tags , , on September 15, 2016 by shebatt

Grief has made me apathetic to my own existence.
With faults enthusiasm I get get up everyday and live my life,
not caring if I fool anyone with the smile I wear.
I know I am not fooling myself.
.
I am tired of loosing people, I am tired of all the loss my soul has suffered.
Years and time just chip away at me in the form of fatality.
Whether death or distance the people in my life just seam to slip away
and I find myself alone and wondering if I want to bother inviting in someone new.
.
Sometimes the wounds are just too deep and so the desire eludes me.
If I don’t have anyone there, then there is no one to lose.
The balance between lonely and alone teeters on a point
to fragile to depend on, to sharp to avoid.
.
I converse with my plants, make friends in my book,
eat dinner alone, and chat via a black and white device
which often misunderstands my voice sending cryptic messages into the either.
.
I look to the sea for diversity and healing, knowing there is only the tide to rely on
I just need to pull away and hide to mend.
Alone in my cave I desire the reassurance that life is not so bad.
Thinking time alone will heal me.
.
To tired to ask for help instead I just ride it out in this exile from life.
Besides who could I ask, that one person really does not exist in my world.
The person who can hug me and make me feel like it is worth it all.
The one who can make me believe that for now it will be alright.
.
I need a dark angel a mother, a lover, a friend, who strength matches mine in every way;
one who like me has walked to the gates of hell and come back again;
one who knows I will be strong again for them someday but
resist leaning on me as much as I hate leaning on them.
.
I think I need sleep…..

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What’s in the Box?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 30, 2016 by shebatt

Last weekend I flew down to LA to attend my ex-husband’s memorial. We had been married and divorced over 20 years ago, but in the 20 years after the divorce we had not only learned to become friends again we became really good friends. The loss was really difficult considering it came one year (almost to the day) after the loss of one my best friends of 33 years.

The memorial was at his oldest brother’s home with family and a few friends there to share stories and the grief of losing someone as wonderful as him. When I arrived his longtime girlfriend (and a friend to me) showed me a Halloween prop that my ex and I had made years before, he wanted to give to me but just had never gotten it to me. The prop is a talking skull which does need a lot of work to get working again but it is clearly a skull.

In the course of the day I had talked to his oldest brother about my ex’s girlfriend and myself getting some of his ashes. We both felt such a strong connection to him we were hoping it would be okay with the family if we both had some of his ashes to treasure and hold onto in our lives. We spoke about it briefly and were distracted by others around us.

As my sister and I were saying our goodbyes, I pulled the skull out of the girlfriend’s car and set it on a garden wall in front of the house and started to pull myself together. While saying our last goodbyes and having final conversations with people I started talking to the wife of his oldest brother. I told her about the conversation her husband and I had about the ashes. She and I talked about it for a few minutes but nothing to detailed.

What I did not know was at that moment standing behind me was his other brother’s new wife (who is from Mexico and understands more English then she speaks but still not completely fluent) who was over hearing this conversation about the ashes. She happen to be standing right by where I set the box with the Halloween prop skull in it and asked my sister “What’s in the box?”

This was all told to me later in the car by my sister.

Without thinking my sister answered “The Head”. My sister said the look of horror and confusion on her face was undeniable added in with a sheepish “Ha?” So my sister added “The skeleton head” which only made this poor woman more shocked, horrified and again her voice cracked out a small dry “Ha?” Finally my sister realized what she was saying and tried to make it very clear to this poor woman “It is a Halloween prop they made back when they were married.” My sister said the poor woman found some relief in knowing it was not my ex-husband’s head in the box but still was reeling from the horror of the idea.

I am not sure how much longer after that conversation I saw her looking at the skull in the box but I kind of shooed her away from it knowing it is falling apart and breaking. I am kind of protective of it. I am not sure if she had a good look at it or not or realized it was really fake. I did not even know about the conversation she had with my sister until we were a few miles down the freeway where she told me and we both just laughed.

 

 

 

 

Another Loss

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , , on August 4, 2016 by shebatt

One year and four days after my friend Marcus passed away my ex husband who I had stayed good friends with through the years, had a heart attack and died. It was unexpected and another blow to my soul.

Grief is a strange thing. It comes in waves and sometimes just leaves you numb.Like the song Lament from Ultravox says, The twist in my life starts healing, just to twist again.

I believe the sadness never truly leaves you, you just become stronger around it.

Time to focus on something new and different. Time to focus on next years trip or something positive, that is what helps me get through times like this…

The song link below is something I have not been able to listen to since Marcus died last year but in time maybe in time.

 

My Life, My Year

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , on July 14, 2016 by shebatt
I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of one of my oldest and dearest friends. He and I had been friends for 33 years. It was pointed out to me by another long, long time friend, I knew him longer then I knew my own mother who died when I was only 21. It has not been an easy year and to make matters worst my brother and I have not spoken in the last year either. He hurt my feelings really badly last year and has still not offered an apology and well I have pretty much given up on getting one.

With all of that in mind I still go on and live my life. As you may (or not) know I went to Italy last year in spring and then to Scotland this spring. Traveling is one of the only things that brings me peace. Being someplace new and seeing a part of this world I have not seen yet, feeds my sad soul. It is not that I forget my sorrows it just reminds me there is so much more to life then my personal sorrows. It helps me remember how small my life is compared to the rest of the world. It also reminds me how alone I am on this planet. Not lonely but just alone.

Next year I might not have S to travel with me since her husband is making noise about a family trip, so I am trying to figure out where to go next, possibly alone. Since Jr. high school Peru has called to me and I am considering answering that call. Peru and Bolivia is what I am thinking of, all in one trip. Machu Picchu, Nazca, Lake Titicaca, and Salar de Uyuni (the Bolivian Salt Flats).

Funny but other places calling me are England, France and Turkey. Sure England would be easiest since I speak the language but who know where I will end up next year. I will keep you posted.

I can say this though I hope the coming year is not as sad as the one I just lived.

Staying Strong (Written 1/31/2001)

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags , , , , on April 4, 2016 by shebatt

I weep for the pains of the past
Where I had to stand strong and
there was no time for tears
I weep for the years

I sing the song of sorrow
For all the broken hearts
when love was unrequited
there was only to go on
I sing the saddest song

I mourn the loss of those
who were dear and when
the longing of the company
had not completely sunk in
I mourn for those who have been

I ache for the transgressions of man
for killing their brothers
in the name of borders, money, and God
watching nations fall
I ache for the woes of how we’ve evolved.

 

My GT6

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , on September 15, 2014 by shebatt

Years ago I owned a midnight blue 1968 Triumph GT6, (for you that don’t know what that is, it is a type of car, see photo below) with a personal license plate saying Mean GT6.  It was and still is my all time favorite car. Which is saying a lot since in my life time I have owned about 30 cars and trucks of all different types.

gt6

 

I had many adventures in that car both good and bad, but mostly great. I was sad the day I totaled it on Hwy 17 just north east of Santa Cruz CA. Being a thing I have long since let the disappointment of loosing it go but that does not mean I would not want another if I found one for sale.

One of my favorite moments in that car is mixed with bad and happy memories. It was 1992, Los Angeles, California and the city was a mess of riots due to the Rodney King trial.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1992_Los_Angeles_riots

I was living in Sherman Oaks, which is a nicer neighborhood but I was just on the edge of Van Nuys, so not as nice an area. The riots had brought the national guard to our streets and curfew to our lives. The uniforms were standing at the end of my block with guns at ready.  It felt like the world was coming to an end for me, since at that exact time in my life I was going through the personal hell called divorce. My marriage of 7 years was coming to an ugly end. My husband and I were fighting battles right in our own living room with no escape to outside. No place felt safe at that time.

One afternoon while off of work I decided to drive up to a friends house/cabin located in the little town of Frazier Park, which is up the grapevine hwy and tucked into the mountains about an hour or so from my house. I just had to leave the valley. My dear friend Jon (who was also going though a person hell/separation at the time) was with me and also just needed to get away from the negative feelings which hung like wool over the area. The drive up over the grapevine was beautiful and refreshing. Neither of us said much we both just watched the trees and mountains go by.

As we pulled off the freeway and stopped at the red light at the end of the off ramp, I looked into my review mirror. There behind me was a Triumph TR3 an even more rare car than mine. Next to me was a Triumph Spitfire and behind him another Triumph. The next thing we know we are surrounded by Triumphs. It was a very surreal moment. Here I was in this incredibly rare car surrounded by others just as rare as mine, made by the same company.

The drivers of the other cars were looking at me with a “who the hell are you?” look, while Jon and I looked at them thinking “Where the hell did you all come from?” We were all on the same freeway, why did we not see them there while driving? The light changed and the next thing we know they were all gone as quickly as they came. To this day I don’t know where they went. They did not follow us into town or even follow us off the freeway. I have a feeling they saw us while on a Road Rally and pulled off the freeway when we did thinking we were part of it and maybe having issues with our car or something. When they saw we were not part of their group they went straight though the light and got back on the freeway. Again I did not see where they went, they were just gone. I am guessing as to where they went.

Jon and went to my friends house and hung out for a short while but he was feeling ill at ease and so we left.  We were both a little beside ourselves those days so I understood his wanting to leave.

I will never forget that day. It was a moment of bazaar coincidences in a stressful time.

Another funnier GT6 story yet to come…..

 

 

The Song on the Radio

Posted in Just thinking with tags , on September 11, 2014 by shebatt
the song on the radio is playing bitter sweet memories

filling me with tears of love lost and joy misplaced.

is it the reminders of times so dear that keep us going in times of trouble
or is it the hope of happiness to come that keep us striving?