Archive for Thinking

Tired

Posted in 1, Batt Rantts with tags , , on September 15, 2016 by shebatt

Grief has made me apathetic to my own existence.
With faults enthusiasm I get get up everyday and live my life,
not caring if I fool anyone with the smile I wear.
I know I am not fooling myself.
.
I am tired of loosing people, I am tired of all the loss my soul has suffered.
Years and time just chip away at me in the form of fatality.
Whether death or distance the people in my life just seam to slip away
and I find myself alone and wondering if I want to bother inviting in someone new.
.
Sometimes the wounds are just too deep and so the desire eludes me.
If I don’t have anyone there, then there is no one to lose.
The balance between lonely and alone teeters on a point
to fragile to depend on, to sharp to avoid.
.
I converse with my plants, make friends in my book,
eat dinner alone, and chat via a black and white device
which often misunderstands my voice sending cryptic messages into the either.
.
I look to the sea for diversity and healing, knowing there is only the tide to rely on
I just need to pull away and hide to mend.
Alone in my cave I desire the reassurance that life is not so bad.
Thinking time alone will heal me.
.
To tired to ask for help instead I just ride it out in this exile from life.
Besides who could I ask, that one person really does not exist in my world.
The person who can hug me and make me feel like it is worth it all.
The one who can make me believe that for now it will be alright.
.
I need a dark angel a mother, a lover, a friend, who strength matches mine in every way;
one who like me has walked to the gates of hell and come back again;
one who knows I will be strong again for them someday but
resist leaning on me as much as I hate leaning on them.
.
I think I need sleep…..

Advertisements

What’s in the Box?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on August 30, 2016 by shebatt

Last weekend I flew down to LA to attend my ex-husband’s memorial. We had been married and divorced over 20 years ago, but in the 20 years after the divorce we had not only learned to become friends again we became really good friends. The loss was really difficult considering it came one year (almost to the day) after the loss of one my best friends of 33 years.

The memorial was at his oldest brother’s home with family and a few friends there to share stories and the grief of losing someone as wonderful as him. When I arrived his longtime girlfriend (and a friend to me) showed me a Halloween prop that my ex and I had made years before, he wanted to give to me but just had never gotten it to me. The prop is a talking skull which does need a lot of work to get working again but it is clearly a skull.

In the course of the day I had talked to his oldest brother about my ex’s girlfriend and myself getting some of his ashes. We both felt such a strong connection to him we were hoping it would be okay with the family if we both had some of his ashes to treasure and hold onto in our lives. We spoke about it briefly and were distracted by others around us.

As my sister and I were saying our goodbyes, I pulled the skull out of the girlfriend’s car and set it on a garden wall in front of the house and started to pull myself together. While saying our last goodbyes and having final conversations with people I started talking to the wife of his oldest brother. I told her about the conversation her husband and I had about the ashes. She and I talked about it for a few minutes but nothing to detailed.

What I did not know was at that moment standing behind me was his other brother’s new wife (who is from Mexico and understands more English then she speaks but still not completely fluent) who was over hearing this conversation about the ashes. She happen to be standing right by where I set the box with the Halloween prop skull in it and asked my sister “What’s in the box?”

This was all told to me later in the car by my sister.

Without thinking my sister answered “The Head”. My sister said the look of horror and confusion on her face was undeniable added in with a sheepish “Ha?” So my sister added “The skeleton head” which only made this poor woman more shocked, horrified and again her voice cracked out a small dry “Ha?” Finally my sister realized what she was saying and tried to make it very clear to this poor woman “It is a Halloween prop they made back when they were married.” My sister said the poor woman found some relief in knowing it was not my ex-husband’s head in the box but still was reeling from the horror of the idea.

I am not sure how much longer after that conversation I saw her looking at the skull in the box but I kind of shooed her away from it knowing it is falling apart and breaking. I am kind of protective of it. I am not sure if she had a good look at it or not or realized it was really fake. I did not even know about the conversation she had with my sister until we were a few miles down the freeway where she told me and we both just laughed.

 

 

 

 

Another Loss

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , , on August 4, 2016 by shebatt

One year and four days after my friend Marcus passed away my ex husband who I had stayed good friends with through the years, had a heart attack and died. It was unexpected and another blow to my soul.

Grief is a strange thing. It comes in waves and sometimes just leaves you numb.Like the song Lament from Ultravox says, The twist in my life starts healing, just to twist again.

I believe the sadness never truly leaves you, you just become stronger around it.

Time to focus on something new and different. Time to focus on next years trip or something positive, that is what helps me get through times like this…

The song link below is something I have not been able to listen to since Marcus died last year but in time maybe in time.

 

My Life, My Year

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , on July 14, 2016 by shebatt
I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of one of my oldest and dearest friends. He and I had been friends for 33 years. It was pointed out to me by another long, long time friend, I knew him longer then I knew my own mother who died when I was only 21. It has not been an easy year and to make matters worst my brother and I have not spoken in the last year either. He hurt my feelings really badly last year and has still not offered an apology and well I have pretty much given up on getting one.

With all of that in mind I still go on and live my life. As you may (or not) know I went to Italy last year in spring and then to Scotland this spring. Traveling is one of the only things that brings me peace. Being someplace new and seeing a part of this world I have not seen yet, feeds my sad soul. It is not that I forget my sorrows it just reminds me there is so much more to life then my personal sorrows. It helps me remember how small my life is compared to the rest of the world. It also reminds me how alone I am on this planet. Not lonely but just alone.

Next year I might not have S to travel with me since her husband is making noise about a family trip, so I am trying to figure out where to go next, possibly alone. Since Jr. high school Peru has called to me and I am considering answering that call. Peru and Bolivia is what I am thinking of, all in one trip. Machu Picchu, Nazca, Lake Titicaca, and Salar de Uyuni (the Bolivian Salt Flats).

Funny but other places calling me are England, France and Turkey. Sure England would be easiest since I speak the language but who know where I will end up next year. I will keep you posted.

I can say this though I hope the coming year is not as sad as the one I just lived.

Today’s Plea to the World

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags , on May 20, 2016 by shebatt

Okay this is new. I am going to start writing things down that I think of far too often, and I am going to start calling them Plea(s) to the world. Starting with this…

What is Important:

Please do not complement me on my beauty. If you think I am pretty, Great. What I look like though is an accident of birth (well conception really). Sure I try to take care of myself by doing things like fighting my slow thyroid, which has made me a lot softer and rounder then I would want to be. I also try to take care of my hair and skin and etc.

In truth what I look like does not matter. If you are going to judge me, because that is what you are doing by telling me I am pretty, then judge me on my accomplishments in life. Judge me on the things I do. If you need examples then you need to look deeper than just my outer beauty.  I am a person who tries to live by example and if you are only seeing what I look like you are not seeing the real me.

 

 

 

Living Your Life

Posted in Just thinking with tags , , on April 25, 2016 by shebatt

In three days I leave for my trip to Scotland. Needless to say I am as excited as I am stressed. Of course my car is acting up right before I leave, I don’t have everything packed and work is crazy right now.

Why am I taking the time to write a blog… well I want to be clear about a few things.

First off, let me say I know I am lucky to have the chance to travel but it is not just luck. I have worked long hours and given up a lot of things to make this happen. I do not have cable for my TV and I don’t have internet at home. What do I do for down time you ask, I read.

It is hard to go through life without the media most people have in their lives but at the same time it is very liberating. I have also not gone out and spent money on things like new clothing, shoes, meals out, and so on. It takes discipline in this economic state. Also remember you don’t own your things they own you. With that in mind I never buy things I want, I only buy things I need.

(But) The thing I want to say most in this post, is you don’t need to go across the world to find adventures. You just have to go outside your own front door. Turn off your television and go outside. If you don’t have a camera but a camera phone then try taking some photos. If you don’t even have that that is okay. You don’t need a camera to make memories, just your own mind.

Walk around your own city, learn the history of it, eat at the local food stands. Pretend like you are visiting your own city like you never have seen it before. If you have to, pretend you are doing an episode of your own travel show and explore. Your home town’s history might not be as exciting as San Francisco’s gold rush or as ancient as Athens but it might surprise you.

Enjoy…

 

 

 

Staying Strong (Written 1/31/2001)

Posted in Batt Rantts with tags , , , , on April 4, 2016 by shebatt

I weep for the pains of the past
Where I had to stand strong and
there was no time for tears
I weep for the years

I sing the song of sorrow
For all the broken hearts
when love was unrequited
there was only to go on
I sing the saddest song

I mourn the loss of those
who were dear and when
the longing of the company
had not completely sunk in
I mourn for those who have been

I ache for the transgressions of man
for killing their brothers
in the name of borders, money, and God
watching nations fall
I ache for the woes of how we’ve evolved.